It's been over a month since my last post/ blog/ video and in all honesty that's only a good thing.
But the picture of Molly taken today has reminded me that whilst we're busy rebuilding our lives and finding ways to move forward, that grief/ bereavement is something to be carried with you and built around rather than left behind.
I've written about Tonkin's model of grief before, it talks about how contrary to the opinion that time's a healer, actually grief stays the same over time. What changes is our ability to increase the size of our lives around it and as such giving us room to experience other things.
With that in mind I can certainly say that over the last month or so I've been in growth mode. Becoming busier and busier with my business, getting Molly involved in dance classes and gymnastics, we've had a couple of long weekends away and unlike before where I survived my days with Molly being my sole reason for doing so, I've now been finding ways to live life for me and rediscover my smile, which really demonstrates the journey that I've been on.
I've been keeping a log of all of the things that I'd eventually like to share and talk about when time allows, as I've certainly not been able to keep on top of the blog, being as supportive of other young widows and WAY - Widowed And Young members as I'd like to have been.
But, in truth for the first time in a long time, life has felt like I'm living rather than just surviving and although this period of growth has me stretched and juggling lots of different things, it has been such a welcome change in my mindset.
So, to elaborate on the picture of Molly, she has been talking a fair bit about Lauren over the last week or so and when I collected her from school today, I was told that she'd had a conversation about her mum with one of the teachers. This generally happens when she's trying to process something.
One of the techniques I'd picked up from Grief Encounter is to get the pens and paper out and let her draw, it generally allows the thoughts to come out, either in the drawing or just as a way of starting the conversation.
So as Molly drew a picture of her mummy, me and herself, she spoke about how she missed her mum and how it made her feel sad, she asked about whether her mummy is talking to 'other people that died' and if she can talk to them, why can't she talk to her.
There were also some heart wrenching comments, that based on her age were just about her inability to grasp the concepts of loss, as she said 'I wish I could be died so that I can see her'.
But as difficult as these conversations are, I believe they are an essential part of helping her through her grief. They give me the opportunity talk her through her misunderstandings and reassure her that her feelings are normal and perfectly fine.
We finished up, by reading a book called Rabityness which talks about how a rabbit disappears and his friends and family are all very sad, but when they find his things it reminds them of him and they begin to remember him more positively, which prompted us to go through the memory box that Lauren had created for Molly before she left us.
My intention when things settle down a little is to get back to regular blogs and posting about our journey. I have some really great content ideas for videos of Molly and I learning things that would typically be for Mummy and mini, hair nails, pamper kits etc any additional suggestions welcomed.
Thanks for reading and being a part of our journey!