Signs That She Is With Us...
In the first few days after Lauren died I understandably spiralled into an intensely dark place, whilst I wouldn't go as far as to say I was suicidal, I definitely wanted time to freeze (ideally for it to actually go backward) and for the world to stop moving around me. It was when I was at my absolute lowest point that I received a sign, that I truly believe was from Lauren. Here is what I wrote in an update to our GoFundMe supporters.
'I'm struggling to keep up with saying thank you to all of the well wishes and extra donations to #helptherobinsons GoFundMe page. So just wanted to share an update thanking everybody for their love and support. Thank you!
Focusing on Molly has been keeping me going and I'm trying to get her back to her normal routine. Advice from child bereavement specialists suggest that routine and barriers help children of her age to feel secure and that with such a big change to their life, that security is so important to helping them through their grief. She has been talking more each day about the situation and because Lauren had done such a brave and amazing job of preparing her, she is piecing it together and processing it in the way that her Mummy had explained and I am just having to guide her through any confusion.
I'm sure it's easy to understand that the past 3 days have been the worst of my life. I've not been finding comfort in anything and switch from feeling lost and empty to feeling desperately sad and back again continuously. Despite being surrounded by my incredibly supportive family, I have been feeling so alone and I've been reaching some pretty dark places in my mind with yesterday being the worst day yet. But then something happened today that gave me some strength and just enough of a lift to take me out of those places.
Some will say it's a coincidence and some will say I'm looking for it, but I genuinely believe Lauren sent me a sign today and whether its possible or not it felt real to me and made me feel as though she was with me.
I was sat in my living room with Molly and my sister when I heard a noise from the kitchen. My voice assistant had switched itself on and played 3 songs in full before going to an advert.
Becky Hill and Sigala - Heaven on my mind
Ella Henderson - Take care of you
Billie Eilish - My future
I've never heard these songs before, don't really listen to these artists and nor do I subscribe to the amazon music service.
Please remember that I'm not particularly spiritual nor do I practice any religion. But these songs were too relevant and the timing was too appropriate as I was reaching my lowest point for it to be a coincidence for me and it has been the only thing in the last 3 days to give me any sort of comfort.
I miss Lauren so much and everything I hear, touch, see or smell is a reminder of her not being here. I know that grief is a process and that I'm going to have bad days mixed with slightly better days and am being told that at some point I will start to feel OK again. But until then I'll have Molly to pull me through and whenever I am feeling weak will turn to these songs to remind me of the strength they gave me today.'
She's been sending me signs ever since
Throughout the following 4 months I feel as though Lauren has still been giving me little prompts when I've needed them, letting me know that she is with me. White butterflies have followed Molly and I, not only in this country but even when we were on our first holiday without her in Cyprus. I've also had single white feathers popping up in unexplainable places and for me these signs have been little boosters in my morale, they've kept me going. My view is that whether it's possible or not for these signs to be from Lauren or not, the feelings that they gave me were very real and I'll take from them what I need to in order to keep getting through this journey.
Thanks for reading and being a part of our journey!